Silly stuff of all kinds

This page is dedicated to silly stuff - send in your daft ditties for us all to enjoy!

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d'yis t'ink yer doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....

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The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.

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Paddy says to Mick, "Jeez, I'm ready for me holiday ... but this year I'm going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain - and Mary
got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!"

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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

'SEX FROGS' - Only £ 20 each! Comes with complete instructions.
The Girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' the blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie..
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . ..

NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions,
please call the pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See,
I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE .... MORE .... TIME!!!' .... TIME!!!'

CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO!

President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each. President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks:
"What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.
"Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says"
"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"

A man farts in bed and says to wife"1-0"wife farts and says "1 all"Man farts and says "2-1"Wife farts and says "2 all"
Man farts, follows through and shits the bed. Wife says "what the fuck was that"man says "half time. swap sides."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

This guy thinks he has the best tattoo in the world! Lets hope he doesn't end up in prison...

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

Puppy

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me...
Call (404) 875-6420 (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

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Husband of the year awards
The honorable mention goes to: The United Kingdom

Followed closely by... The United States of America

and then... Poland

but 3rd Place must go to... Greece

but the winner of the husband/partner of The year is Ireland. Ya gotta love the Irish.

The Irish are true romantics. Look, he's even holding her hand... Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes Sense now... Inever looked at it this way before:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, It's a..HISterectomy.

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A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two, seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ... ...why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no, the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah ! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

' Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.. .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence..

' I no rike Jews either!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

' Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic' says the co-pilot.

' What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

' Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no mattah...all same to me!

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The Tesco Doctor
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
' My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco,
eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....